The One with the Dictionary
by NikNakPaddyWaKGiveTheDocABoner
Summary: A series of humor fics in which the dictionary provides a word and I provide some randomness.
1. The One with the Whipped Cream

My younger brother and I got very bored so he picked up a dictionary and told me to log on to the computer. Without explaining what he was doing he opened the book to a random page jabbed his finger on a word and said "Nic, you have ten minutes in which to write a Doctor Who fic containing the word 'whipped'." So this is what I came up with...

If it is popular more will be written as there are lots of words in the dictionary.

Disclaimer: It's mine all mine I tell you. MWHA HA HA HA HA!!! Actually it isn't, don't sue.

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**The one with the whipped cream**

Jackie wrestled with her shopping bags as she searched for the key to her flat. Upon finding the key she shoved in the lock and as she turned it she could have sworn she could hear a muffled giggling coming from inside. Rose and the Doctor had turned up for supper so she assumed it was them.

She pushed open the door, "Oi! What're you two up to then?" She called.

The giggling stopped and there was a hurried rustling that Jackie couldn't quite place. Then the rustling too, stopped.

There was complete silence.

Jackie dumped the bags in the hall, going over to Rose's bedroom to investigate, "Rose what's going on?"

"Uh nothing mum."

The last Jackie had heard, nothing did not giggle, she opened the bedroom door. Rose was flopped on her bed, head in a magazine, a wide grin on her face. She looked up as Jackie entered.

"Hey mum."

"What're you reading?" She asked.

Rose smiled secretively before she shuffled round, her back to her mother, hiding the magazine from view.

"Rose?"

"Oh it's nothing mum, not even in English, the TARDIS is translating it for me."

"Wot you mean his ship thingy gets in side your head?"

Before Jackie got an answer to her question someone tapped her on the shoulder. She jumped with fright before spinning round to see who it was. It was the Doctor. She resisted slapping him. Instead she poked a finger in his chest and looked at him menacingly, "See here, I don't want you stickin' alien things in my daughter, you got that?" She threatened.

For some reason this made the Doctor snort with laughter.

"What's so funny!" She demanded.

The Doctor placed his hands on her shoulders, and looked at her solemnly, "My dear Jackie, you wouldn't understand." He let go of her shoulders and looked at Rose, "Coming?"

Rose jumped of her bed, throwing the magazine across the floor "Yep!"

"Oi, I thought you two were stayin' for dinner, I was about to make a big meal, with a desert and everthin'!"

"Oh we are staying, yum yum I love dinner and a desert too! Did you know the Morchanians of Morcham always have whipped cream for desert." Jackie could tell he was about to start rambling. "In fact it is a custom for the chief to have a nice long, hot bath. Eat some dinner, retire to his bedroom and eat whipped cream with Yogalberries for desert. Not as boring as it sounds as his room is full of beautiful women. Iron thighs those women have, or so I've been told, don't actually have any experience. Lots of things I am am experienced at though. Took Rose dancing the other night."

"He's a good dancer." Rose informed her.

"So don't you worry yourself Jackie, we'll definitely have dinner with you." He said cheerfully "But, Rose and I need to fix the Hydrogormic optilating extractor in the bathroom." He turned to Rose, grinning. "Don't we Rose."

"Yep." She confirmed, "The shower is just far too steamy these days. Not that I don't mind a steamy shower of course."

Jackie looked between her daughter and the Doctor, her suspicion growing. "And why do you both need to fix the Hydro- whatever it is?"

"Ah Jackie, well the thing is, though we are both very good with our hands, the job really requires two people to do it properly."

"Well how long is this gonna take?" She demanded, irritate that the two of them were messing up her dinner plans.

"Don't worry mum, we'll take a break for dinner."

With that the two of them practically ran out the front door leaving Jackie standing alone in Rose's room. Her eyes went to the magazine on the floor, she walked over to it, picked it up, if that girl was reading some sort of alien...

"What?" Her face screwed up in confusion.

It was a hair styling magazine, perfectly English and perfectly unfunny. Jackie stared at it as though she expected it to spring to life and announce it's name was Jarvis Cocker.

Confused she put the magazine on the bed, she would just ignore it.

* * *

After putting the chicken and vegetables in the oven Jackie went to her shopping bags that now sat in a heap on the kitchen table, she dug around until she found the Marks and Spencers chocolate pudding. Her idea of making a desert was buy it from the shops.

Now if she remembered correctly, which she was certain she did, there was a can of whipped cream sitting on the top shelf in the fridge. They would have some with the pudding she decided, seeing as the Doctor had been going on about it, among other nonsense. She placed the pudding on the worktop before going over to open the fridge.

The fridge contained a number of things: a carton of apple juice, two bottles of milk, fruit, veg, a couple of packets of pre-cooked food and a half eaten ham sandwich.

However there was no whipped cream in site.

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Reviews make us smile!

Chibi Nightmare


	2. The One where the Doctor has a Scar

I'm glad people liked 'The One with the Whipped Cream' and cause I'm nice, here's another. It's up to you whether the storied are connected or not.

"Right Matt a word please."

"scar"

"Hmmm OK"

I apologize for the OOCness

Disclaimer: With this dictionary I could get lots of interesting words that mean I don't own something but as I can't be arsed I'll just stick with the old fashioned Doctor Who aint mine...sadly.

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**The One where the Doctor has a scar**

Mickey Smith glared suspiciously at the other person, or rather alien, sitting in his flat. Here he'd been about to watch the game when the bloody TARDIS had materialized right in front of his TV set .

What followed was a brief conversation between the Doctor and Rose about the Doctor not getting coordinates right, blah blah blah, Mickey hadn't been interested.

Rose had given him a warm 'Hey Mickey, how are you? I'm just going to the shops.' before leaving the flat.

At that point the Doctor had seen fit to move the TARDIS out of the living room, however the flight coordinating exothermic wotsit had broken meaning that, though he could watch the game, if Mickey wanted to get to the toilet he would have to use the bathroom on board the TARDIS.

"So anyway there we were with this great big fire breathing, poison spitting Pigathant demanding that either we _both _become his love slaves, which I tell you would have been a most painful and degrading experience, when he suddenly just exploded, poof, just like that, Got goo all over us, very nasty. Dunno what caused it to explode however I reckon it was something to do with-

"Doctor," Mickey interrupted, "Man U's playin' Chelsea."

The Doctor looked at the TV, "But it's so boring." He moaned.

Mickey rolled his eyes, "Well I'm sure you have something better to do on the TARDIS."

"Can't fix the flight coordinating exothermic conductor super device without Vitamin C and as your kitchen contains nothing with Vitamin C in it I'll just have to wait for Rose to come back with the shopping."

"Bit sexist aint it, makin' Rose do the shopping?"

The Doctor looked embarrassed for a moment, "Yeah well, I normally would do it with her, but well, it's sort of."

"Sort of what, too domestic for you?"

"Yes, I mean no, it's just, the last time we went shopping there was an incident."

Mickey raised his eyebrows, "Incident."

"Trust me Mickey boy, what you don't know can't hurt you."

"Riiiight." Mickey said, before turning back to the game.

He managed to get five minutes of silence before the Doctor spoke again, "Where'd you get that?"

"What?"

"That," he pointed to Mickey's arm.

"What!"

The Doctor jumped off his seat, walked over, successfully blocked the TV for the second time that day, and tapped Mickey's arm with the sonic screwdriver, "That scar."

"Oh that," Mickey looked down at the long, thin, white scar on his right arm, he shrugged, "Accident at work." He then smiled, "Of course don't tell Rose that, I have this big story see."

"What makes you think Rose would be interested?" The Doctor asked politely.

He grinned, "Chicks dig scars and stuff like that."

"Ah I see, I'll make a note of that."

Mickey looked at the Doctor, "Why, you got some scars?"

The Doctor looked thoughtful, "Hmmm not since I regenerated no, but I'm likely to acquire a few at some point. Any scars I get though, they eventually fade away, superior body chemistry and all that."

It was then that Mickey noticed something about the Doctor that the latter obviously hadn't, "You 'ave got a scar."

"I what?" The Doctor asked, puzzled.

"A scar, on your neck, Where'd you get that."

"The Doctor suddenly looked uneasy, and he started tugging at his ear, "Ah I was hoping you wouldn't notice that, in fact I didn't think you would, guess your more perceptive than I give you credit for."

"Where'd you get it, Slitheen."

"Heh heh, eh no. However I did receive a rather nasty scratch once from one of those."

"Well. What gave you the one on your neck?" The more Mickey looked at it, the more the little mark looked like a hickey, where the hell would the Doctor get one of those?

"Well it was sorta, Rose."

* * *

I wasn't so pleased with this one, oh well, let me know what you think.

I'm hoping the right word will come up as I have an idea for that supermarket incident...

Chibi Nightmare


	3. The One with the Postprandial Activity

I'm glad people are liking these stories!

Prettypinkrozez you get a mention as your review made me laugh. And I got your first review dances :)

"Word please."

"Um, postprandial..."

"And that means?"

"Eh it's something you do after a meal, especially dinner."

"Ahhh, heh heh, got one..."

Alright this is my first attempt ever at writing nine so be nice :) From that I'm sure you can guess this one contains... dum dum dum...JACK!

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**The One with the Postprandial Activity**

Jack was quite happy to ignore his dinner and stare, for much longer than was considered decent or normal, at the beautiful female waitresses in the alien restaurant. They all had such sweet, innocent faces and, more importantly, large breasts.

At that point one of the male waiters walked over with a tray containing the extra drinks that Jack, the Doctor and Rose had ordered. Jack raised his eyebrows and winked at the man, who promptly averted his gaze to the Doctor and Rose instead. The man then put down the tray and left.

"Bad luck Jack, he was kinda cute."

"Oi!" The Doctor exclaimed.

Rose smiled sweetly at the Doctor, "Not jealous are we?"

Jack waved his fork at them, "Are you sure there's nothing going on between the two of you?"

Their expressions were identical pictures of complete innocence, "Of course not." They said simultaneously.

They then went back to their meal, both of them with rather suspicious smiles on their faces.

Jack nodded slowly, not quite sure whether or not to believe them."

"And," the Doctor added, "If you so much suggest there is I will personally show you use 8765 of the sonic screwdriver."

"I'm guessing it isn't a-"

"No, it will make you lets say, inefficient"

Whether or not the Doctor was breaking his no hanky panky in the TARDIS rule, Jack decided to ignore it, or at least try to.

* * *

They finished their meal, Jack charmed the head waiter so much they didn't have to pay, and headed back to the TARDIS.

"So anyone fancy a drink?" Jack asked.

The Doctor and Rose looked at each other.

"No thanks." The Doctor said.

"Yeah I'm just gonna go to bed. Night boys!" With that Rose disappeared of into the TARDIS, annoying really, Jack thought, he still hadn't worked out where her bedroom was.

"Are you sure?" He asked the Doctor again.

"Yes Jack I'm sure, you see I have something rather important to do."

"Which is."

"As much as I'm sure that your an expert I don't need your help so, I won't bother you with an explanation."

"Funny really, you always have _something important _to do in the evening."

"It's a postprandial activity."

"Oh really," Jack was interested now, "You know there aren't many things one does after dinner."

"That isn't true there are plenty, you just choose to ignore the majority of them."

Jack grinned, "Yes but _dancing _is by far the most fun you can have after dinner."

A grin appeared on the Doctor's face, but it was the sort of grin that was blink and miss it. It was there for a second before the Doctor went to back to his normal, surly disposition.

"You would say that, now I'm off, goodnight." The Doctor turned to leave.

Jack had a sudden idea, "Hey where's my goodnight kiss?"

"Go to bed." Was the reply.

Jack shrugged, he would go to bed now. Tomorrow he would see about rigging the TARDIS up with video cameras.

* * *

Sorry it's so short, but I have another one ready to be posted :) So I'll try and put that up in an hour. Right I'm off to revise for my Chem. Prelim. Revision- (the most boring postprandial activity on Earth)

As soon as the right word comes up, this mini story will be getting a sequel.


	4. The One with the Glass Explosion

"Word."

"Oh look, a good one that I understand."

"And."

"EXPLOSION!"

"Oh yes...perfect"

The One were I put it up later than I said I would. Yeah sorry bout that, I had Chem. Revision to do.

Disclaimer: If I owned it I wouldn't of had to revise so hard for my chemistry exam.

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The One with the Glass Explosion

or

The One with the Supermarket Incident

The Doctor eyed the marmalade jar warily, after what seemed ages he tapped it with the sonic screwdriver, "You know here it says original marmalade?"

"Yes," Rose muttered while putting jam into the trolley, "Now do you want it or not cause, Mr-I-Don't-Do-Domestic, we've been taking ages in this shop."

"Yeah sure", the Doctor put it in the trolley, "It's just it _can't _be the original marmalade, for it to be the _original _marmalade, someone would have had to of cloned it, acquired a time machine and then put the marmalade jars in this shop."

Rose shook her head, "You're talking nonsense you do realize that?"

"Sorry."

Rose checked the list, "We've still got to get milk, eggs, chicken, Frosties...god the Frosties kid is so annoying, chocolate, condoms, edible ball bearings...Doctor are you intending to eat them straight out the packet?"

"Maybe."

"Oh and bananas."

"Oh joy."

"I thought you liked bananas?"

"From the banana growths yes."

What's the difference?"

"I'm in a supermarket."

"Fair enough. Right! Come on then." She pulled him away from the marmalade before he could cause any trouble.

* * *

An hour, and several circuits round the shop so the Doctor could nick all the freebies, later, they had everything they needed. It was verging on ridiculously late and the shop was just about empty. The Doctor had reverted to bounce-impatiently-on-the-balls-of-my-feet-mode while they went to a till to pay. The till was empty save for the checkout lady, a mother and her young son. 

Rose smiled at him, the poor Doctor, she thought, standing in a supermarket. Of course this wasn't the first time they had had to do a shop but it was the first time it had taken two hours.

"Oi Doctor, give me a hand unloading this stuff will you?"

He sighed loudly muttering something about Timelord slave labour.

While putting the items on the till he started to ramble about the Online Hypermarkets on Frastious Prime Five. This earned him an odd look from the mother in front of them.

"-and furthermore while you humans spend hours with your queues the Frastion Hypermarkets have a system where you type in the codes for the items you want, then enter your pin. Within five minutes Frastion time, that's thirty Earth seconds by the way, the items will have been teleported to your trolley, which can be set up anywhere in the house. Then that's you, shopping done. None of this car park, isle and till nonsense. Not to mention the awful sanitation, your putting your fresh fruit down on the same surface as raw meat. Raw meat can give you awful..."

The mother in front of them took her son by the hand and pulled him from the shop, obviously she had had enough of the crazy person behind her. Rose had turned her pack it in glare up to ten. He eventually noticed.

The Doctor grinned, "Eh, sorry."

Rose rolled her eyes, smiling. She went back to unloading the trolley.

"Doctor can you go and find another tin of soup, this ones all bashed?" She handed him the tin.

"Oh don't worry I can fix that!" He said brightly, he pulled out the sonic screwdriver, "Now lets see, which one was it", he twiddled the settings. "I think this was it!" He pressed the button.

There was an earsplitting crash as every single glass object, including the jars of _original _marmalade, exploded in what Rose could only call, as she ducked behind the till, a bloody big explosion.

She stood up slowly as the Doctor, eyes wide with surprise, handed her the can of soup.

The lady at the checkout fainted.

Oh well, Rose thought sarcastically, at least he fixed the tin.

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Chibi Nightmare


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